[satire] When Germaine Handspiker accepted the position of Parking Lot Attendant at the Payroll Centre of Excellence in Miramichi, NB, she knew she wasn’t going to be the most popular person in town, but she didn’t expect to encounter issues with her very first paycheque.

Handspiker is from Flin Flon, Manitoba, and saw the employment ad on the Government of Canada Job Bank website. She is a former floor walker at Walmart in Flin Flon, a bouncer at Legion Branch 73, and holds a green belt in Jiu-Jitsu. She wrote the online test and passed the bilingual telephone interview. She says her French is better than one might expect, as she had a three-year online relationship with a man from Trois-Rivières whom she met on Plenty of Fish, and they spoke on the phone three times a week before he disappeared in an ice fishing incident. However, no amount of qualifications could guarantee that she would receive her very first government paycheque on time.

Handspiker arrived in Miramichi last Thursday and is renting a room at the Black Horse Hotel until she finds an apartment. She said she spent the money she got from selling her Ski-Doo and sewing machine to take the train to Miramichi, and has been undergoing parking lot training at the payroll site since her arrival. Now that her savings are almost gone, Handspiker learned that there was a mix-up with her pay. She called the Payroll Centre of Excellence, and the compensation advisor she reached told her she was 207,644 on the list, but she could expect an advance within the week that would include money toward her relocation expenses.

“No telling when your pay issue will be completely resolved, dear,” a pleasant person with a funny accent told her.

The Payroll Centre of Excellence has only 198 parking spaces for 700 employees. Broccolini, the owners of the building, convinced Miramichi’s City Council to change parking bylaws to prevent parking on adjacent streets during business hours, forcing employees to pay a monthly fee to park at the office complex.

Handspiker confirmed that there will be a lottery to select the cars that will be allowed to park, and it will be her job to monitor the parking lot, collect the money, and call a tow truck if there are any unauthorized vehicles.

“I expect to be the most hated woman in Mir-a-mee-chee,” said Handspiker, pronouncing it just like those Bell Aliant agents who call when your bill is overdue.

“The payroll workers I have met are already upset about the parking situation. All I can tell them is, ‘Good luck in the lottery, and don’t let me catch you without your parking pass,’” she said with a grin that resembled more of a snarl.

Handspiker mentioned that she has already been directed to patrol on foot on Victoria Avenue, John Street, St. Thomas Street, and Church Street, looking for cars that are illegally parked when she is not on duty at the Payroll Centre of Excellence.

“I’m not authorized to enforce city bylaws,” she said, “but part of my training is to make citizen arrests,” Handspiker chuckled.

Handspiker says she hopes to make a connection and put down roots in Miramichi. Her POF profile picture shows her in her uniform on the day she graduated from Security Guard School, and it states she is looking for a serious man who enjoys old movies, arm wrestling, and doesn’t have a criminal record.