Sexual Healing
By Blonde Logic on Jun 11, 2012 with Comments 13
I haven’t had sex in 6 months. That’s a record for me. It hasn’t been easy by any means and there were times I didn’t think I was going to make it. Who loves sex more than me? No one I say!
So why no sex you ask? To answer that question first I must take you back to the beginning of my journey of what I thought at the time was my sexual liberation.
At one point a goal of mine was to be as sexually liberated, open minded and inhibition free as one woman could be. I believed this to go hand in hand with new age feminism. Why shouldn’t one be able to partake in a purely sexual relationship with another human being? Sex is natural, a way to deeply connect with an intimate partner and has many health and psychological benefits. There is no shame in sex and I was out to prove this. I talked openly and freely to people about this and even wrote an article about my beloved vibrator.
During this time there wasn’t one part of me that wanted to be in a relationship. I was still hurting in a bad way from a long term, never ending relationship and the last thing I wanted was to hop into the throws of another liaison with another man. However, I still wanted sex.
This poses an interesting challenge and so it began, the no strings attached agreements. I’m sure most of you get the just of what these agreements look like so I will spare you the details. Doesn’t it always seem like such a grand idea at first? The thrill of a new partner, the sex, the cuddling, the late night conversations, making breakfast in the morning, the sex, and then until next time……..so long sucka’! Only the good parts of a relationship…….or so I thought.
What I found was that I continually came up empty handed, sexually unsatisfied and most often times unfulfilled in more ways than one. I was giving a part of myself to someone else and getting nothing in return. Oh wait……wasn’t that what I had signed up for? I hated that I felt this way. No die hard feminist should ever need or want a man. Who was this talking? I pushed that voice down further and further and strengthened my conviction to call the shots in each and every “relationship” I had. The sex itself was never great.
Clearly there is never a whole lot of discussion about one’s desires or needs. Does either of you really care? When you take the mind, intimacy and a level of comfort with the other person out of the equation you are left with a whole lot of @*&’ing and great lack of love. If it wasn’t the sex, then what was I looking for? In my case and I believe many other cases with casual sex you are almost always looking for intimacy. That close physical contact with another human being, to be held, to be kissed and to be close to another person, to hear someone’s heartbeat and most importantly, to not be alone.
When someone gets up and walks out of your house morning after morning you are most definitely alone.
From my endeavors I ended up with my heart broken and to no one’s fault but my own. When you lay down a foundation of sand to build a house on it is awfully hard for it to maintain its integrity. Where did FEELINGS come out of this seemingly simple agreement? Well to me it’s so glaringly obvious now. You are partaking in such an intimate act with someone and it’s only human to find yourself attached. I wonder if it’s ever possible for someone to take you seriously after you set up such an agreement of disrespect with them. My expectations of men were so very minuscule. I set out on a journey to discover why.
The difficult revelation for me was coming to terms with the lack of self-worth I had in order to orchestrate such trivial relationships with men. In the discovery of self-love I came to the realization that I am far too sacred to let just anybody be a part of my life let alone partake in such intimacy with me. When you have sex with another human being there is an exchange of energy that takes place between the two of you. When I speak of energy I’m not talking about the literal meaning of liveliness or vitality but in a spiritual context of life-force or essence. You are in fact inside each other so to think your energy or spirit is not intertwining is misleading. For this reason, do I want to be sure of who I’m having sex with? Absolutely!
As my self worth grew my desires changed. I began to understand that I not only deserved but wanted the full meal deal of romance. Love, sex, commitment, honesty, the whole package. Good sex between two people starts in the mind. In my opinion, there has to be something going on intellectually between two people in order for the intimate process to start.
While it all seems like fun and games and makes for good story telling between girlfriends at the end of the day you are left with yourself and your choices. In this day and age sex is splashed everywhere leaving us to discern the true meaning of the act and more and more youth are led astray because of this. Is sex and sexual desire normal and healthy? Absolutely! However, there is so much more involved with it and a fine line between sexual liberation and promiscuity. I can only hope our younger generation learns the difference. I’m 29 years old and am just learning this myself so I can only hope for such revelations for our younger ladies. Even at my age often times there is a misconstrued link between approval and admiration of who’s getting laid the most. It’s almost as though there is an underlying message if you’re not having sex and you’re not in a relationship than you’re not desirable or there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. I don’t believe this is always the case especially if you are coming from a place of authenticity.
To really love someone, to know their heart, their mind and their desires is the greatest recipe for good sex. There is no match for this level of intimacy. I believe this to be worth the wait. Until I find someone worthy of my heart, I am keeping my body to myself.
At the end of the day it really it isn’t even about sex or relationships but about self love.
Filed Under: Blonde Logic
Great article! I loved this, I hope the younger generation read this…I agree completely with your message here!
I hope they do too Rebecca
Thanks for reading!
Yes Kristin your thoughts are right on. However, control issues, possessiveness, jealousy and religious/cultural dictates often close the door to healthy relationships when there are insufficient, acceptable, agreed (and lasting) compromises.
Thank you Bob. I agree. Thank you for your comment.
Wow… If I had only read this artical about 25 years ago……I may have relized this a whole lot sooner. But better late then never….. thanks to the amazing man in my life now! But this is an extremly well written piece of information. I only hope as you have written that it reaches the eyes and intelect of some younger ladies.<3
Thank you so much Penny. My hope is always for these empowering, positive messages to reach a younger female audience as well
Thanks for your comment.
OMG…it’s like you’ve crawled into my head and opened up the tiny ….well maybe not so tiny sex thought drawer and everything I have been thinking has come swirling out like a whirling dervish. I to love sex…but it’s been over three years for me. Coming from a divorce and terrified to put myself back out there again is more my reason. I mean hey the girls aren’t near as perky as they use to be and no man has seen my naked ass at my over 40 state…..and lights now send me screaming like a banshee in another direction.
I have however started reading the infamous 50 Shades….and I don’t view it as the soft porn novel for woman as most do….yes some of the passages have my toes curling and my hand reaching for my trusty friend BOB but I actually see the love story in all of it. I can relate to both characters well….I believe I harbor a bit of each in my own psyche.
I understand the self love….and I am overly familiar with loving the broken and being broken…and yes I have OCD and control issues…..but I have learned to love myself and even though my last …and hell only relationship had it’s moments it’s set the bar from where I begin when I finally leap from high into another.
I fully believe that every relationship has to begin with self love…..and then all the rest just will fall into place like a cascade of crashing dominoes….or at least that is how I imagine it to be.
Thanks for peering into the recesses of my overstuffed mind…..it’s so nice to know there are more blondes out there like me……I hope your dry spell doesn’t last as long as mine but I do believe it give you the edge on your writing…..LOVE the article….and now I am going to find some fresh batteries and delve into book two of Shades…..=)
Omigoodness, I LOVE it and you. Great comment. Thank you so much for sharing. As well, in regards to women’s insecurities about their bodies, I haven’t found one that doesn’t have them whether they’re 21 and perfect or 45 and not so perfect. The beauty of true intimacy is a level of comfort and acceptance with that other person which is a true ingredient in the recipe of good sex. The way I think of it, is that I’ve yet to see a man kick a girl out of bed for her physical apperance just as he’s about to get laid
Keep that in mind. You’re beautiful and have 40 plus years of timeless wisdom! Keep up your great attitude ox
loved this article……I am a happily married wife and mother of two teenagers and I am keeping this arrticle to pass on to them…..
Wow Jen, that made me a little teary eyed. That is just awesome to me. Thank you so much for sharing. I truly appreciate it
Well if this isn’t close to Candace Bushnell I dont know what is? lol I’ve been obsessed with Sex & the City for years, and own the series and movie, and gained most of my knowledge of relationships and men from the series, b/c most of it is absolutely true lol…I am 28, and found as a teenager sex was more of a “thing to do” on the weekend type deal, but now that I’m older I see it more as an intimate state, and something to only be shared with someone I love. Sex has more of a deeper meaning to me now, and I know more of what I like. I practice BDSM with my bf, and I find a lot of ppl don’t understand that type of sexual lifestyle. It’s not all about whips and chains, it’s about really understanding what your partner wants and desires, and know what to do before it’s even done. The sex is soo much better now with someone who I have a deep connection with, that it takes about 5 minutes for me to climax! I KNOW! lol A lot of friends ask if i’m “faking it” and I just say “I swear to godd”…i’m just so sexually in tune with myself now, that I just know what my body wants…and I feel so bad for a lot of people that may never get to experience that or to even have an orgasm at all!
I love what you say. Feeling comfortable in your own skin and owning what you like is an important part of the equation. Thanks for sharing
totally just emailed you a big long reply Kristin lol
enjoy! lol