I haven’t had sex in 6 months. That’s a record for me. It hasn’t been easy by any means and there were times I didn’t think I was going to make it. Who loves sex more than me? No one I say!
So why no sex you ask? To answer that question first I must take you back to the beginning of my journey of what I thought at the time was my sexual liberation.
At one point a goal of mine was to be as sexually liberated, open minded and inhibition free as one woman could be. I believed this to go hand in hand with new age feminism. Why shouldn’t one be able to partake in a purely sexual relationship with another human being? Sex is natural, a way to deeply connect with an intimate partner and has many health and psychological benefits. There is no shame in sex and I was out to prove this. I talked openly and freely to people about this and even wrote an article about my beloved vibrator.
During this time there wasn’t one part of me that wanted to be in a relationship. I was still hurting in a bad way from a long term, never ending relationship and the last thing I wanted was to hop into the throws of another liaison with another man. However, I still wanted sex.
This poses an interesting challenge and so it began, the no strings attached agreements. I’m sure most of you get the just of what these agreements look like so I will spare you the details. Doesn’t it always seem like such a grand idea at first? The thrill of a new partner, the sex, the cuddling, the late night conversations, making breakfast in the morning, the sex, and then until next time……..so long sucka’! Only the good parts of a relationship…….or so I thought.
What I found was that I continually came up empty handed, sexually unsatisfied and most often times unfulfilled in more ways than one. I was giving a part of myself to someone else and getting nothing in return. Oh wait……wasn’t that what I had signed up for? I hated that I felt this way. No die hard feminist should ever need or want a man. Who was this talking? I pushed that voice down further and further and strengthened my conviction to call the shots in each and every “relationship” I had. The sex itself was never great.
Clearly there is never a whole lot of discussion about one’s desires or needs. Does either of you really care? When you take the mind, intimacy and a level of comfort with the other person out of the equation you are left with a whole lot of @*&’ing and great lack of love. If it wasn’t the sex, then what was I looking for? In my case and I believe many other cases with casual sex you are almost always looking for intimacy. That close physical contact with another human being, to be held, to be kissed and to be close to another person, to hear someone’s heartbeat and most importantly, to not be alone.
When someone gets up and walks out of your house morning after morning you are most definitely alone.
From my endeavors I ended up with my heart broken and to no one’s fault but my own. When you lay down a foundation of sand to build a house on it is awfully hard for it to maintain its integrity. Where did FEELINGS come out of this seemingly simple agreement? Well to me it’s so glaringly obvious now. You are partaking in such an intimate act with someone and it’s only human to find yourself attached. I wonder if it’s ever possible for someone to take you seriously after you set up such an agreement of disrespect with them. My expectations of men were so very minuscule. I set out on a journey to discover why.
The difficult revelation for me was coming to terms with the lack of self-worth I had in order to orchestrate such trivial relationships with men. In the discovery of self-love I came to the realization that I am far too sacred to let just anybody be a part of my life let alone partake in such intimacy with me. When you have sex with another human being there is an exchange of energy that takes place between the two of you. When I speak of energy I’m not talking about the literal meaning of liveliness or vitality but in a spiritual context of life-force or essence. You are in fact inside each other so to think your energy or spirit is not intertwining is misleading. For this reason, do I want to be sure of who I’m having sex with? Absolutely!
As my self worth grew my desires changed. I began to understand that I not only deserved but wanted the full meal deal of romance. Love, sex, commitment, honesty, the whole package. Good sex between two people starts in the mind. In my opinion, there has to be something going on intellectually between two people in order for the intimate process to start.
While it all seems like fun and games and makes for good story telling between girlfriends at the end of the day you are left with yourself and your choices. In this day and age sex is splashed everywhere leaving us to discern the true meaning of the act and more and more youth are led astray because of this. Is sex and sexual desire normal and healthy? Absolutely! However, there is so much more involved with it and a fine line between sexual liberation and promiscuity. I can only hope our younger generation learns the difference. I’m 29 years old and am just learning this myself so I can only hope for such revelations for our younger ladies. Even at my age often times there is a misconstrued link between approval and admiration of who’s getting laid the most. It’s almost as though there is an underlying message if you’re not having sex and you’re not in a relationship than you’re not desirable or there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. I don’t believe this is always the case especially if you are coming from a place of authenticity.
To really love someone, to know their heart, their mind and their desires is the greatest recipe for good sex. There is no match for this level of intimacy. I believe this to be worth the wait. Until I find someone worthy of my heart, I am keeping my body to myself.
At the end of the day it really it isn’t even about sex or relationships but about self love.